4:19 AM

Dear Diary
 I just woke up from a rather depressing dream. I don’t know where I was but I was putting together some kind of musical presentation. The whole thing was perfectly formed in my head, but no one could play the music or perform the dance that went with it.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t have talent or the ability to hear the music in my head, but I did, but there was no way I could share it with others.

 Of course this is real life for me. I can listen to Mozart in my head, but cannot play an instrument. I have wickedly funny ideas for cartoons, but cannot draw and I don’t have an audience, even if I could. Why do I have to be broken?
---
 Well, I have had interesting dreams before, but this has to be the first time I have ever needed to start an article in the middle of the night. Also, this is the first time I have wanted to talk about this.

 “God Doesn’t Make Junk”, I have come to dislike this euphemism. People usually say this for one of two reasons. Sometimes it is meant as a palliative, to comfort. It can also be accusatory as in, “God doesn’t make mistakes, therefor it must be your fault”.

 I don’t know if anyone else ever feels like this or not. Its sort of like the movie Amadeus. In the movie,  Salieri was portrayed as a composer who could appreciate the sublime beauty of  Mozart’s music but felt pain because he could not produce the music himself.

There is a movie about a girl who learned to ice skate as part of  a science project. She wanted to see if physics could be adapted to enhance skating ability.  As she learned how to skate, she found she loved skating more than anything else. I experienced her joy as she performed for the crowd.

 That is what I want, maybe not to make music or skate, but maybe just not be broken. Perhaps what I want is a life that isn’t a jumbled ball of “I can’t. Wouldn’t it be nice if in some minor insignificant way you could look an me and see the Creator who made me. I would like that. How about a place where everyone there could sing, dance, or do whatever pleases their Creator,without any restrictions or limitations. I know, we can call this place Heaven.

Whiteboard

I recently bought a magnetic whiteboard for my refrigerator. For most of the week it had been blank. It was just begging for something to fill the space. Had I possessed an adequate drawing skill, the possibilities would be endless. As it was, I would be limited to stick figures or perhaps a snarky comment.

Then it happened, a couple of curved lines, hair, a pair of eyes, a nose and mouth. There she was, a little girl. Of course I instantly knew who she was. I have lived with her for 66 years now. Regrettably, I haven't always been able to love her. Now, that has changed and she doesn't have to hide anymore.

I just want to tell you this is who I am, goodbye,end of discussion. She is not a "problem", the result of  "mental illness" or the result of some sort of demonic influence or willful sin. I will no longer debate Scripture, fools who think they can know more about my experience than I do, or those abominable YouTube videos that ask "Can a gay/trans person be a Christian  or go to Heaven. I have it on very good authority the answer is YES.

 It has been said that God gave me my identity and I should not seek to change it. Well God is spirit and  the spirit God gave me is female, and I am thankful for it.

Not really angry at the moment. Just wanted you to know I love that little girl. Oh, and I know her Father in Heaven loves her too.