The Dream

 The Dream

I had a strange dream where I went back in time. It would have been great if I had went back to when God spoke so plainly to me through a blonde woman I met at a small community college. A God whom I thought hated me for not being “good” enough.

Or perhaps I should set my Wayback Machine to a time and place where beauty was defined by a girl with Cerebral Palsy so plainly expressing her love for Jesus. Or maybe one of the times I saw Jesus in one of the last places I expected Him to be, inside me.

No, this was a nightmare. Imagine a bunch of the old biblical movies chopped up and pasted together in an intentionally confused order. King Herod was in the movie. In fact I think Herod was supposed to be the star. The scene where the Israel was worshiping the Golden Calf had been changed by the prop department. It was a golden statue of Herod. Moses was left out of the picture. Just so you know, we had the usual scenes of idol worship and human sacrifice but this was really screwed up. Herod publicly sacrificed people in the name of God.

I have to say I hated how the movie portrayed Jesus. Hate was good. Love and mercy was bad. Jesus wasn’t arrested. He was ignored and called a wimp. Greed, bigotry was the commandment of God, along with the worship of Herod.

Yes Jesus was a wimp. I heard He actually washed his disciples' feet. That is something a servant might do, not a King. So what if Herod never raised someone from the dead. That isn’t what leaders do.

I think this was messed up though. There was this thing about Jesus changing hearts and lives for the better. I could see what Jesus did compared to Herod. Loving the unlovable. He could cleanse the soul of sin and guilt. He could give His life for the world on the Cross, praying for the very people who crucified Him.

Suddenly being a wimp is something I could want to be. Maybe I will try putting others before myself, learning to serve others who need my help, comforting them in their sorrows. And when I get good at being a wimp I will learn how to pray for my enemies.

Being a wimp isn’t easy. No one said it was. I would need more strength than I possess on my own. It’s going to hurt and there will be times I will fail. You have to sacrifice to be a wimp. But it is worth it, and I get to have Jesus with me, so I will not be alone.

R.

     Jesus doesn't come into your life to tell you that you are bad. He comes to make you good. Better than you can imagine.

   There has been something on my mind that had been so emotionally troubling it is hard to express it in a coherent manner. A while back I watched a video about a woman went from being a college professor and supporter of the LGBT community to a Christian. It interested me because I was already a believer when I came out trans.

One of the things that interested me is her leaving her live-in partner. Could I leave someone I love and who loves me, especially coming from my current circumstances?  Maybe. I came up with several possible scenarios, not all of them good. Before jumping down the alt-right rabbit hole she was a pleasant person. Yet Christian culture in this country can be very ugly and show absolutely no indication of the grace and mercy Jesus taught. How am I supposed to approach Jesus when the very thought of religion makes me desire to flee for safety? 

The most damnable thing about this person is that she has turn her attention against trans people. As far as I know she has no scientific understanding of being transgendered, yet she has declared war on trans people, especially children. She has even advocated forcing children to undergo treatments that in some cases resulted in suicide. Occasionally she has said "One of us in this room is going to Hell. Well, I am not making any bets who it is. It's not for me or her to make that call.

The thing is that Jesus would not condemn a teenager over their choice of pronouns, their clothes, or employ techniques similar to that which in other circumstances have been used on prisoners of war. Jesus would provide comfort to those who are different due to their childhood trauma or pre-natal anomalies. He would not demand that you get all you get all your sins under control before His love is given. It already has been given on the Cross. He does not demand what you cannot give. 

Can one be transgendered and be a Christian? Whatever the answer is, it starts with the love of Jesus. Without Him there are no answers, for anyone.

I survived the Jule Miller Filmstrips.

 

I Survived the Jule Miller filmstrips (You can too)

          I was totally surprised recently when I discovered another artifact from my childhood still exists. This is something you would only remember if you grew up in the Church of Christ as I did.

          When I was a child, videos were called filmstrips (or dink-dink movies). The pictures were synchronized to the audio presentation using a tone signal to advance the filmstrip.

 The technology isn’t the important thing of course, but it is part of the memory. My church owned a series of these filmstrips on the gospel, the church, and related subjects. One of these was the infamous “5 steps” presentation. It reduced the gospel to a procedure that must be obeyed precisely, or else. Yes, we were very big on the “or else.”

There probably weren’t many displays of John 3:16 back then. I think if we were honest, Exo 24 9-11was our mantra. Anytime someone would question what we were doing or suggest something new, old Nadab and Abihu would be called upon to end the challenge. The Jule Miller filmstrips were diligent about referencing the toasted pair. You might say they were a “hot” item.

One of the old C of C lines was “we speak where the bible speaks and is silent where the bible is silent. The C of C came out of the Restoration Movement aka the Stone/Campbell movement. They were seeking to restore the pattern of the First Century church.

The problem was the First Century church had difficulties to begin with. That should be obvious from Corinthians and the other books of the NT. The main flaw was that restoring a pattern is not restoring a living dynamic relationship with Christ. That is what matters.

The early Christians came together because it was necessary to maintain their faith and to combine their spiritual gifts for the good of the Body. That hasn’t changed.

I remember a time when I was criticized for attending a church that served meals after services. Yes, this was a big thing. Standard penalty for the transgression I assume. When I mentioned that a friend had become a Christian and I was very happy for her they looked at me as though I had committed an unforgiveable sin. If they could see how I have changed over the years and as a woman was finding a voice in my writing, I am sure they would petition the Supreme Court for permission to burn me at the stake. No doubt as they lit the fire, they would remind me that God loves me.

7/26/21 4:23 AM

     I woke up 30 min ago. Instead of trying to go back to sleep, I turned on the light over kitchen sink and sat down at my computer, This was a time when I could feel the darkness closing in on me and it felt like sleep was my enemy.

    It had been a most depressing Sunday, and my anxieties were still in control. I looked around on Youtube and ran into someone who was asking the very same question as I was. Why is it we never seem to acknowledge suffering in church.

    Bible study has value of course, but today was another day I sat in church feeling isolated from what was going on. I could almost wish I was with a group of early Christians, in a cave hiding from Roman soldiers. At least we would all be concerned about the same things and be looking to each other for strength. 

    Church is a lonely place for me. It just seems sometimes there is nothing being said that can reach me where I am at. This makes me feel even more isolated. Is this my fault? Could be,  I don't know.

    Amy Grant has a wonderful song where she sings about the total trainwreck of a day she is having, but the way she does it is a beautiful expression of faith. You mean God could actually be waiting at the bottom of my pit of despair if I were willing to look for Him? Funny we never talk about stuff like that.

Memories

 Memories

I was born in October 1951. Even at my current age there is a great deal I remember about the time. There was McCarthyism, overt racism, and a Church of Christ much different from what it is now.

There were these filmstrips I called “dink dink movies” (because of the tones used to synchronize the filmstrip with the audio track). There were these 5 steps you had to go through to be a Christian. Don’t know what would happen if you forgot a step or got them out of order. Its how I think. 

They called it the Holy Ghost instead of the Holy Spirit. Yes, it was called an “it”. They never explained what it did, but they were very adamant about what it didn’t do. I am sure you can imagine what I thought  as a child. Was its name Casper?

I will tell you a secret. Even small children remember things that stay with them forever. For me there were the inconsistencies. A vivid memory of my grandmother condemning a girl at church who got pregnant. I am sure the girl didn’t need my grandmother to tell her she made a mistake. I am also sure compassion would have been better than being shamed.

That was the way pregnant girls were treated. They were “sent away” or completely disowned by their families. Some of the girls commited suicide. Some had “coat hanger abortions”. Oh, you wouldn’t want to be the child either. Trust me, I know. Some of the objections of birth control was that the girls wouldn’t have to suffer for their sins. Couldn’t have that, could we?  Doesn’t matter how much you suffer though, God loves you.

I didn’t know what it was at the time, but I grew up thinking I had done something to make God mad at me. Anytime something went wrong I believed it was God punishing me. God invents sin, finds everyone guilty, threatens them with Hell, but again He loves you. So much better if there wasn’t a God to begin with.

Things changed. The Church of Christ changed, and most important, I changed. I embraced being transgendered and I have some good church friends. God accepts who I am and of course He knew about it all along. I just had to accept Him.

Does the Bible say anything about being transgendered. Nothing I know of, but that doesn’t stop some people. Just pick a few verses out of context, ignore basic grammar or contrary verses and you too can be an official Gatekeeper of the Faith. Don’t want to let the wrong kind of people in, do we? Yes, Jesus died for our sins, but only for those of us who deserve it. We get salvation the old fashioned way, we earn it.  

I don’t know. I am not a bible scholar and I cannot tell you if the claims of scriptural error are true or not. The word homosexual did not appear in scripture until recent times. Funny, I didn't see the scripture where God destroyed Sodom because Sally moved in with Jane.  Looked for a "Thou shalt not" for being transgendered but never found one. Its real easy to make something up though.

Will just go with what I know. I'm looking for mercy, not judgment. Not just for me, but everyone who needs it. I didn't say deserve because sometimes I don't.

2020

 2020

"When one has been angry for a very long time and becomes used to it, it becomes comfortable like old leather, and finally it becomes so familiar that you cannot imagine being any other way." 

                                                        Jean Luc Picard - STTNG: The Wounded

I doubt anyone will ever forget this past year. Not only have we been plunged into the pandemic, but we have faced unprecedented civil unrest. We have had armed protest groups attacking the very public officials trying to protect the public from the Covid virus. We have also seen innocent Black civilians being killed by police.

On Jan 7th, Joe Biden has been certified as the next president of the United States. However, 4 lives were lost when Trump supporters attempted an armed insurrection in Washington DC.

I do not understand any of this. There is nothing in my understanding that explains any of this to me, except perhaps one thing. For the first time in my life I have seen the hard reality of sin.

It would be easy to sit in my home and think of myself as more intelligent and morally superior to those who indulge in racist and political violence, except I am not. There is a reason I keep the quote from Star Trek handy. My anger against social injustice and the supporters of Donald Trump is strong. 

Yes, I could sit here and congratulate myself for never having resorted to violence or wanting to. It doesn't mean I don't ever feel intense anger against those I believe deserve it or blame God for what is happening.

HERITAGE

I encountered a rather interesting article about people who were into genealogy and who had DNA testing at Ancestry.com or 23 And Me to find out about their genetic history. Needless to say there are often surprises in the results. There are actually support groups for those who are disappointed by the results.

 The thing is that for as long as I can remember I have been adamant about my dislike of people who judge others based on things they have no control . No one has control over their ancestry. It is of course an interesting detail, but one which we can neither take credit nor blame.

I was born in the '50s. Back then children were called "illegitimate" or "bastards", for being born out of wedlock. Why do people think like this? EXPLAIN! I worked most of my life to escape the meaningless feelings of shame and inferiority my family inflicted on me. You can judge me on the choices I have made and the kind of person I have become, but everything else about me is not yours to judge. Even I am not allowed to judge.

If you are interested in heritage look at the only linage that matters, being in the family of God.