Obstacles

Obstacles
 I am thinking of the song Obstacles  by Syd Matters that is used in the game Life is Strange. Seems sort of appropriate at the moment.
 
 To the point, I am experiencing a major depression at the moment as well as a crisis of faith. Although my emotional defenses do not seem to be working at the moment, its not that I haven’t been here before.

 Although I write on Christian topics for my blog I do not consider myself a “christian writer” . Sometimes I am just a person that wants to say something. Other times I use my word processor as a means of working things out in my head.

 Sometimes things just aren’t what they seem to be. Sometimes you are in the darkest pit of despair imaginable, only to find God has been leading you through it for a good reason. Sometimes you hurt because there is something in your life you need to change. Sometimes you just hurt. Sometimes when you ask why it just makes you angry. Sometimes answers don’t fix things anyway.

 I think the first thing to do is to be honest about how you feel. If you are having a spiritual problem, admit it. Doesn’t help to hide from it. You may not understand the situation, I know I don’t. I am hoping God will come to the rescue as He has before.

4:19 AM

Dear Diary
 I just woke up from a rather depressing dream. I don’t know where I was but I was putting together some kind of musical presentation. The whole thing was perfectly formed in my head, but no one could play the music or perform the dance that went with it.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t have talent or the ability to hear the music in my head, but I did, but there was no way I could share it with others.

 Of course this is real life for me. I can listen to Mozart in my head, but cannot play an instrument. I have wickedly funny ideas for cartoons, but cannot draw and I don’t have an audience, even if I could. Why do I have to be broken?
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 Well, I have had interesting dreams before, but this has to be the first time I have ever needed to start an article in the middle of the night. Also, this is the first time I have wanted to talk about this.

 “God Doesn’t Make Junk”, I have come to dislike this euphemism. People usually say this for one of two reasons. Sometimes it is meant as a palliative, to comfort. It can also be accusatory as in, “God doesn’t make mistakes, therefor it must be your fault”.

 I don’t know if anyone else ever feels like this or not. Its sort of like the movie Amadeus. In the movie,  Salieri was portrayed as a composer who could appreciate the sublime beauty of  Mozart’s music but felt pain because he could not produce the music himself.

There is a movie about a girl who learned to ice skate as part of  a science project. She wanted to see if physics could be adapted to enhance skating ability.  As she learned how to skate, she found she loved skating more than anything else. I experienced her joy as she performed for the crowd.

 That is what I want, maybe not to make music or skate, but maybe just not be broken. Perhaps what I want is a life that isn’t a jumbled ball of “I can’t. Wouldn’t it be nice if in some minor insignificant way you could look an me and see the Creator who made me. I would like that. How about a place where everyone there could sing, dance, or do whatever pleases their Creator,without any restrictions or limitations. I know, we can call this place Heaven.

Whiteboard

I recently bought a magnetic whiteboard for my refrigerator. For most of the week it had been blank. It was just begging for something to fill the space. Had I possessed an adequate drawing skill, the possibilities would be endless. As it was, I would be limited to stick figures or perhaps a snarky comment.

Then it happened, a couple of curved lines, hair, a pair of eyes, a nose and mouth. There she was, a little girl. Of course I instantly knew who she was. I have lived with her for 66 years now. Regrettably, I haven't always been able to love her. Now, that has changed and she doesn't have to hide anymore.

I just want to tell you this is who I am, goodbye,end of discussion. She is not a "problem", the result of  "mental illness" or the result of some sort of demonic influence or willful sin. I will no longer debate Scripture, fools who think they can know more about my experience than I do, or those abominable YouTube videos that ask "Can a gay/trans person be a Christian  or go to Heaven. I have it on very good authority the answer is YES.

 It has been said that God gave me my identity and I should not seek to change it. Well God is spirit and  the spirit God gave me is female, and I am thankful for it.

Not really angry at the moment. Just wanted you to know I love that little girl. Oh, and I know her Father in Heaven loves her too.

Can Donald Trump Go to Heaven?

Hey, I am just asking, but if you say yes, I want an explanation. Lets see, a rich man that consistently shows contempt for the poor and downtrodden. Didn’t Jesus tell a story about a rich man and a beggar, and what happened to them  after they died?

No, I am resisting the urge to become the President’s judge. Even if it would be sort of fun to refer to myself as “Judge Deb”, I am not the law. Jesus is.

It’s this just that the past 5 or so days have been very upsetting to me. For some reason, there have been a great number of videos on LGBT and God. Once again I am wondering, what if people who worship wealth were in the minorities and the gay and transgender common? Would there be bakeries that refused to serve rich people? Would some of us ask if rich people can go to heaven?

I don’t know. Can you imagine a congregation that welcomes newcomers on the condition they sell everything they owned and give the money to the poor? (no, I don’t mean a cult) You know, sort of like that guy that once confronted a rich young ruler.

It just seems to me that the LGBT community gets so much attention from the religious for no other reason than we are an easy target. Having a scapegoat makes it so much easier to ignore our own sins. Somehow, I don't think you get a free pass for hating others. Actually, it is quite the opposite. You will be judged the same way you judge others.

Can a LGBT person go to heaven? Yes, the same way anyone else can, by belief in Christ. In fact that is the only way anyone gets in. At one time, all of us were enemies of Christ. We didn't get in because we adopted the right politics or hated certain people. We are in because of God's mercy. A mercy that extends to LGBT people as well.

Scary Christianity

Scary Christianity
“If the game doesn’t scare you a little, it isn’t big enough.”  - William T. Riker Star Trek TNG “Pen Pals”
“If your faith doesn’t scare you a little, it isn’t faith”  - Debra Janet Smith

 Faith is scary. If you don’t believe me, read the New Testament with an open mind and see what it actually says. Take God’s grace. I have always been reclusive since childhood. It has been a matter of self protection. If I didn’t keep to myself, people would see my emotional difficulties and  one other that I want to keep hidden.

   Trouble is, grace gets in the way of my chosen life strategy. I would prefer to keep to myself and not have to expose my flaws to anyone who might wish to harm me. Yet here is God’s grace, not only offering forgiveness but totally accepting me as I am.
 How and anyone keep that under wraps? Well, I try. I mean talking about God’s mercy in anything other than a purely theoretical manor requires exposing what I wish to keep hidden. No wonder we would rather settle for luke warm Christianity that never challenges us.
 
No, I am not saying that Christians should be political. Politics has nothing to do with faith. Besides that isn’t what faith is about. Its about going into world with nothing but God’s love as a defense, doing whatever it takes to bring God’s blessings to those who need it.

 Here is my conundrum. I don’t always find my relationship with God satisfying. I love the people I am with on Sunday yet I don’t always find worship enjoyably. Thing is, I know what the problem is. The Holy Spirit is trying to take me to places I do not want to go. Its scary out there, Yet there is a small part of me that would rather choose the danger, because not to accept the challenge would be to trap my faith in the same prison I have created for myself and to quench God's spirit.

Its a struggle give control to the will of the Spirit, especially for those of us who have valid reasons to keep certain things about ourselves hidden. Yet really cannot serve God and remain in our comfort zones at the same time.

Review and Commentary: Pagan Christianity Frank Viola, George Barna (Audible)

Truthfully, nothing in this book actually surprises me. When I try to analyze my dissatisfactions with Christianity and look at the description of the early church in the Bible, it is obvious that there are great differences between what we do today and the early church. No, they didn't get everything right as the letters to the churches show. Yet it is obvious that they had been infused with the Holy Spirit and despite widespread persecution, Christianity conquered the world.

Where did "church buildings" , professional ministers, and the artificial division between the clergy and the laity come from? If you think it is scriptural, you are wrong. The early church was participatory, not a spectator sport. Everyone had something to share. It was not a "performance". Words like "priest" and "saint" applied to every believer, not the chosen few.

Pagan Christianity traces the outside influences that have diluted God's church, making it inert and ineffective. The early church was a living representation Christ. It does not need to conform worldly values and pratices.

Expecto Patronum

I recently found out something about J.K. Rowling's  Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban that I had suspected, but didn't know for sure. The story features demons known as Dementors. They attack by drawing out all happiness and joy, leaving the victim with only pain and darkness. The only defense is the Patronus Charm, an avatar created the caster's most pleasant memories.

This is a perfect description of chronic depression. Those of us who suffer from the condition can easily imagine the dark demons sucking every bit of pleasure and joy from life. Not surprising, the idea for the dementors came from Rowling's own bout with depression.

I was at the grocery last week when I was in a very down mood. I forget exactly what I was thinking, but it was along the lines of feeling abandoned. Ironically, I was setting in a truck that a person from church had loaned me because I was without a car. In this case, my patronus was a red 2001 Ford Ranger. Lets not forget I am living in a nice QUIET apartment thanks to help I received from my friends at church.

Maybe I don't see the dark wraiths of depression coming to attack me. That's probably because they are hiding inside me. And there is no magic spell to drive them away, except to think of the blessings God has given me.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praisworthy- think about such things. <Phil 4:8 NIV>