The Ghost in the Wrong Shell

The Ghost in the Wrong Shell
October 12, 2018
by Debra Janet Smith

 April 7, 2017, on rogerebert.com Willow Maclay posted a commentary on the movie Ghost in the Shell. He mentions the protagonist of the story, a human living in a robotic body, has the same need to negotiate the realities of her mind and body that transgendered people do. He also mentions a study that suggests that gender dysphoria signals the brain that the body is injured. Of course, the body by it cannot by itself correct the problem, so it becomes necessary to live with a constant sense of wrongness.

 As a 13-year-old I started to feel “something” was wrong with me. I had no idea what it was. This was before the internet and before being transgender was even marginally talked about. I couldn’t tell what was wrong, only that it made me different from everyone else, I was broken. I did not know how or why. My best guess was that God had cursed me for some unknown reason.

 This was not exactly true, however. The answer was in my head. I just didn’t know it. I remember being at a high school basketball game. At half time there was this girl in a sequined outfit, performing with her baton. She was beautiful. There it was. I wanted to be beautiful too. This was what I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be a girl.

 We all know how the story goes in the movies. The unattractive girl watches the cheerleader perform and goes home and cries herself to sleep. According to the usual cliche ending, the girl learns to fix her hair, put on makeup, and change her clothing. Now, everyone notices her. She even gets the popular boy to fall in love with her. But wait, that isn’t going to happen to me. Sorry.  No happy ending for you, and just try to explain how you feel to anyone, even yourself.

 It isn’t easy to explain being transgendered. To say you feel like a woman or you feel like you are living in the wrong body is, I think, sometimes a poor choice of words that can be interpreted as being delusional. I have always wanted to ask a psychologist if they can tell the difference between someone who is truly delusional and someone who makes a true but extraordinary claim that cannot be easily proven.

 However, imagine your heart and soul filled with the most sublime heavenly music, or maybe you watch an ice skater that fills you with a sense of awe. You want to be what they are and reveal your inner beauty, but you can’t.  How do you feel?

            I want you to know, I do not “think” I am a woman. From the very depths of my heart and spirit, and with every emotion I possess I know am a woman. My body never defined who I was, then or now. The choice is living as the person I am meant to be, or being something that is broken, malfunctioning. No other choice.  When someone says you cannot change a man into a woman they are absolutely correct. Yet the error is assuming they know what transgendered individuals are to begin with.

 When I hear of a trans person committing suicide, especially a child, it fills me with sadness. I know their pain. It's part of my life. The worst part of being trans, in my opinion, has been living in fear and loneliness, and believing I am not worthy of love. Then there is trying to maintain my faith against a mountain of empirical data that suggests God doesn’t care about me either.

 Somehow, I think the protagonist of the movie and I would have a lot to talk about. What would it be like to live in a robotic body? Probably a lot like living in a body that supports my existence but does not represent who I am.

1978

It was the year of the great blizzard in Ohio. I had enrolled at Sinclair Community College in Dayton Oh.. My first class was General Psychology, room 4122, professor John Lelak. Prof. Lelak was fun and I enjoyed psychology. My eternal regret is that I did not become a psychologist instead of getting into computers. Much was different then, including my name.

The most extraordinary thing that happened that year was meeting someone name Linda Hills. Yes, she was very attractive , but beyond that she was a Christian. This was where I became one too.

It was really a wonderous time for me. Yes, I have told this story before, but what I am wishing to say requires proper context. Back then my faith was new and innocent of any contamination. There would be good things like being introduced to C.S. Lewis and reading the Chronicles of Narnia. Then there was the Saturday evening in 1979 when instead taking me home from a friend's house my car took me to the youth minister's house so I could get baptized. Its the way I like to remember it.

I wish my Christian life had been one beautiful event after another, but it hasn't. It started when the woman who had always been the real me came out. For 14 years I had no church and all the changes I was going through I went through mostly by myself.

While I was eventually accepted back into the church I would question why some things are the way they are.. The church has been good to me and all but there has been kind of a problem come up that has overstrained my faith.

Maybe you can guess what it is. The political climate has really gone bad for gays and trans people. Donald Trump has been an evil monster doing everything he can against the LGBT community, and lets not forget his war against women.

I wish that were the extent of what is bothering me. Its people I know in church who praise the "Pussygrabber of the United States". Tell me how do you claim to worship God and support someone who cuts assistance for the poor, oppresses women, and separates children from their families. How do you see this as Christ-like?

Yep. having a little problem with anger and forgiveness right now. Wish I didn't. Wish my faith was still like it was back then.