Irony

Recently I was at a morning bible study at my church. I am glad I did not take offense, but I feel I should have said something. It was a simple remark from a man who studied with us. It seemed he disliked a certain news caster because he supported the LGBT community. Hmm, should I have mentioned he was sitting next to a member of the same community. Maybe I should have. It would have been a good teaching moment. Yes, I regret not saying something. I also regret that no one challenged the gentleman's attitude.

"The tax collectors and sinner were all gathering around to hear Jesus." (Luke 15:1). I have always appreciated the irony of this statement. Why would people who were already treated as outcasts by the religious community want to be around Jesus? I don't know. Maybe Jesus saw the sinners differently from the Pharisees. Maybe church isn't about exclusion but inclusion.

I don't do politics. In fact, I abhor how politics and religion have become an unholy alliance. Maybe I am just someone who cares for others. I care for my friends in the LGBT community and am saddened that they are driven away from Jesus by the very people who are supposed to share God's love.

Sunday Morning

     It happed shortly after I became a Christian. I will admit that many things that happened at that time just seemed special to me. They were.

     I was attending the Vandalia Church of Christ, north of Dayton Oh. I forgot what the sermon was about, but I will always remember the moment the building shook and there was a loud roar. I should have known what it was, but for one moment I actually thought Jesus was returning. I wasn’t frightened or anxious, just joyfully happy.

     I don’t know why I didn’t think about the airport just across the road. Maybe it was just who I was back then. My faith was new and everything about it was wondrous and beautiful. It was so very real.

     So much has happened since then. I wish I could be the innocent person I was. I wish faith could be as much a part of my life as it was then.

                Thanks to grace, there is always the possibility of  recovery. Besides no one wants a faith that hasn’t matured. It’s just I have a special love for that time when I first dared to believe that Jesus could actually love me.

Last week

Last Week

            Genki Desu Ka? That means “How are you?”, in Japanese. The truth is, I am trying to figure out how I feel. My mind is blocking the full extent of my emotions at the moment.

            Wednesday started out as a good day. I had lunch with my minister and some other people. I was rather pleased with myself that I had taken me 45 seconds to unlock a child’s tablet that had been found at church and find the email address of the owner. Elementary school, my dear Metz, Elementary school.

            After I returned home, the day proceeded to take a nosedive into despair. An online story about a transwoman immigrant beaten to death while in ICE custody. No mention on the major news. No one cared, except family and me.

            I cried for over an hour, and if it were not for a problem with my computer that required a total wipe and reload of everything it would have been longer. I am still crying inside. I feel like I am the only person in this world that even cares. Yes, it’s kind of about how introverts feel when something from the outside penetrates our inner barriers.

            Does God care? Right now, I have to admit that I don’t think so. Why did He allow that grievous abomination Donald Trump to become president? Why does God continue to allow the Religious Right to inflict itself on the innocent? Why should I love a God like this? My mind is running through everything from C. S. Lewis, every movie, TV show, and anything else I can to find an answer.

            There is something else that bothers me. I am basically nonpolitical, or at least I am 99% of the time. There is a person at church who is to me a prime example of why I hate politics. He glories in Trump, yet Trump hates transpeople. I am a real live transwoman. Does that mean the guy at church hate me or is he just a mindless follower who really doesn’t care what his buddy does, ignoring the person in front of him. Politics, where people who Jesus gave His life for become valueless ciphers.



            Just one more thing, as Columbo would say. I wonder what would happen if I asked the church for prayers over what has happened. I don’t want to be political, but I am supposed to be a child of God. We are supposed to care for what God cares about.

           

The Ghost in the Wrong Shell

The Ghost in the Wrong Shell
October 12, 2018
by Debra Janet Smith

 April 7, 2017, on rogerebert.com Willow Maclay posted a commentary on the movie Ghost in the Shell. He mentions the protagonist of the story, a human living in a robotic body, has the same need to negotiate the realities of her mind and body that transgendered people do. He also mentions a study that suggests that gender dysphoria signals the brain that the body is injured. Of course, the body by it cannot by itself correct the problem, so it becomes necessary to live with a constant sense of wrongness.

 As a 13-year-old I started to feel “something” was wrong with me. I had no idea what it was. This was before the internet and before being transgender was even marginally talked about. I couldn’t tell what was wrong, only that it made me different from everyone else, I was broken. I did not know how or why. My best guess was that God had cursed me for some unknown reason.

 This was not exactly true, however. The answer was in my head. I just didn’t know it. I remember being at a high school basketball game. At half time there was this girl in a sequined outfit, performing with her baton. She was beautiful. There it was. I wanted to be beautiful too. This was what I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be a girl.

 We all know how the story goes in the movies. The unattractive girl watches the cheerleader perform and goes home and cries herself to sleep. According to the usual cliche ending, the girl learns to fix her hair, put on makeup, and change her clothing. Now, everyone notices her. She even gets the popular boy to fall in love with her. But wait, that isn’t going to happen to me. Sorry.  No happy ending for you, and just try to explain how you feel to anyone, even yourself.

 It isn’t easy to explain being transgendered. To say you feel like a woman or you feel like you are living in the wrong body is, I think, sometimes a poor choice of words that can be interpreted as being delusional. I have always wanted to ask a psychologist if they can tell the difference between someone who is truly delusional and someone who makes a true but extraordinary claim that cannot be easily proven.

 However, imagine your heart and soul filled with the most sublime heavenly music, or maybe you watch an ice skater that fills you with a sense of awe. You want to be what they are and reveal your inner beauty, but you can’t.  How do you feel?

            I want you to know, I do not “think” I am a woman. From the very depths of my heart and spirit, and with every emotion I possess I know am a woman. My body never defined who I was, then or now. The choice is living as the person I am meant to be, or being something that is broken, malfunctioning. No other choice.  When someone says you cannot change a man into a woman they are absolutely correct. Yet the error is assuming they know what transgendered individuals are to begin with.

 When I hear of a trans person committing suicide, especially a child, it fills me with sadness. I know their pain. It's part of my life. The worst part of being trans, in my opinion, has been living in fear and loneliness, and believing I am not worthy of love. Then there is trying to maintain my faith against a mountain of empirical data that suggests God doesn’t care about me either.

 Somehow, I think the protagonist of the movie and I would have a lot to talk about. What would it be like to live in a robotic body? Probably a lot like living in a body that supports my existence but does not represent who I am.

1978

It was the year of the great blizzard in Ohio. I had enrolled at Sinclair Community College in Dayton Oh.. My first class was General Psychology, room 4122, professor John Lelak. Prof. Lelak was fun and I enjoyed psychology. My eternal regret is that I did not become a psychologist instead of getting into computers. Much was different then, including my name.

The most extraordinary thing that happened that year was meeting someone name Linda Hills. Yes, she was very attractive , but beyond that she was a Christian. This was where I became one too.

It was really a wonderous time for me. Yes, I have told this story before, but what I am wishing to say requires proper context. Back then my faith was new and innocent of any contamination. There would be good things like being introduced to C.S. Lewis and reading the Chronicles of Narnia. Then there was the Saturday evening in 1979 when instead taking me home from a friend's house my car took me to the youth minister's house so I could get baptized. Its the way I like to remember it.

I wish my Christian life had been one beautiful event after another, but it hasn't. It started when the woman who had always been the real me came out. For 14 years I had no church and all the changes I was going through I went through mostly by myself.

While I was eventually accepted back into the church I would question why some things are the way they are.. The church has been good to me and all but there has been kind of a problem come up that has overstrained my faith.

Maybe you can guess what it is. The political climate has really gone bad for gays and trans people. Donald Trump has been an evil monster doing everything he can against the LGBT community, and lets not forget his war against women.

I wish that were the extent of what is bothering me. Its people I know in church who praise the "Pussygrabber of the United States". Tell me how do you claim to worship God and support someone who cuts assistance for the poor, oppresses women, and separates children from their families. How do you see this as Christ-like?

Yep. having a little problem with anger and forgiveness right now. Wish I didn't. Wish my faith was still like it was back then.

Badass Christianity

BADASS CHRISTIANITY

 You may not like hearing the term “badass” from a Christian. Of course you could use the word “defiant” instead, but I think badass says what I need to say much better. Besides, isn’t  “sanitized language” occasionally part of the problem? I always thought that being a Christian means you should be able to deal with any subject without acting like a wimp.

 One caveat: being a badass in this sense never means you are to be a bully. I know of no situation where Jesus was ever a bully. Jesus confronted many people, but He did not bully them. In fact, if we are going up against people there is a very good chance we have selected the wrong target.

 There is a reason I like the word badass. Although my faith was once an unexpected gift of great joy, I fight to maintain it. There are those who would deny I am a Christian because I do not and cannot live as they think I should. They are wrong of course. My failings aren't the problem. The problem is that too many times I have let other put me on the defensive.

 Also, my own emotions are damaged. For may years I could not believe God’s grace covered me. Whatever limit to God’s patience I thought there was, for some reason I always imagined myself one step over the line. Yes, this was after I became a Christian. Took me a long while to realize I had to choose between trusting God and trusting my emotions. Was it really God whispering in my ear that God had given up on me? Maybe it was something else.

 So this is what I mean by being a badass. It means owning your faith and asserting every bit of grace you can. You use it when others challenge you and you use it when the voices that oppose you come from within. Warning: Becoming  a badass Christian may result in your wanting to take on challenges that you cannot imagine yourself wanting to accept before.

 I believe Jesus was a badass. So many times He did things that no one else would dare to do. Imagine going out and finding some social outcast to have dinner with. Imagine standing up to the religious authorities and telling them that what they were doing was wrong. Imagine showing mercy where everyone else wants judgment.  Thats a badass.

Hmm

Hmm
 Today I ran into a most provocative statement from a certain Nadia Bolz-Weber. She said “If your congregation doesn’t have a drag queen, you should go out and get one.” I am happy to report that the Church of Christ congregation I attend in Lewis Center, Oh has a member of the LGBT community, me.

  I do of course wish there were more like me. While I do feel accepted, I don’t always feel acknowledged. I don’t know. Maybe we need a big sign on the door saying “Sinners Welcome”. Thats more important than a church  name. You have probably  guessed I have a provocative streak of my own.

 You cannot help but notice a certain disconnect between the sort of people Jesus invited into his kingdom and the religious figures we see today. Few were wealthy. The wealthy often declined the offer. The religious thought they could approach God on their own. Anyway, they didn’t want to hang out with sinners. Jesus didn’t mind. That was what he came for.

 Oh and before I go on, please drop the “God loves the sinner and hates the sin” mantra. You do know how condescending it sounds, don’t you? You cannot always separate the sin from the sinner easily. Then too, there are just too many times when people in the church think they know what a person has to change to please God, when they don’t. I try to avoid judging others. I don’t want to face a heavenly audit of my sins.

 To tell the truth, we need more LGBT people in the churches. We need them to demonstrate the grace of God and we need the to be there to comfort others who are struggling with gender issues. You can of course say the same thing about alcoholics, drug abusers, people who suffer from chronic depression. This is what the church is about.

Footnote: I just read an article about a Catholic church that denied communiou to a transgendered teen because as they said “she was living in sin.”  Funny, I thought we all were.

Good Morning

I realize that some of what I am going to say could be considered sacrilege. Its not my intent I assure you.

I  woke up today as I always do, with remnants of dreams from the previous night on my mind. I went to Facebook. A friend had posted a video of some dude in a cowboy hat speaking in a heavy Texas drawl, ignorantly speaking out about gender matters and saying something about cowboys. My response was "Cows are girls, Bulls are boys" -Gallagher

There was a post of a former friend about his daughter's wedding. This sent me to look up a certain quote I remember by C.S. Lewis, as I was feeling sorry for myself because I am 66 and live alone.

This led to another train of thought. It was about studying scripture. I get the idea that while scripture is very important, it seems to suggest that everything of any importance has already happened and my experiences in the Fiery Furnace or the experiences of other Christians today are of no consequence.

 It is nice to know God saved Daniel from the lion's den, but what about me? If you are inclined to think me self-centered, remember my ability to endure depends on the trustworthiness of God. Go ahead, try to tell me you have never cried out it pain to a God who seems deaf and powerless. Happens all the time here.

 Is God active today? Hard to tell. The story of the Gospel isn't complete yet. The study of scripture is important, but if that is all we do we are missing the point of why it was written.

Knowing

 Sunday morning a friend of mine posted a video. The woman in the video mentioned she had friends, yet she was suffered from chronic depression and anxiety, something I am very familiar with.
 What got my attention was her question “Does anyone care about me or what my life is like?” Oh yes! Bullseye! Just what I think about before church sometimes. Yes I am accepted and do not forget all the times I got help when I needed it. Yet I am feeling something isn’t quite right.

 I show up at church, but does anyone know who I am? Some of you know I am Trans, but do you know I live in fear because of the current political climate? Do you know how alone I feel or is that just TMI? Is your faith something that matters to you, or is it just a spectator sport? Well, it does matter to me what Jesus did on the Cross a little over 2000 years age, but I wonder where He is at  today. Many of the people who claim to belong to Him want to hurt me and others like me.

 There is a kind of difference between being accepted and having your uniqueness acknowledged as part of the body of Christ. But then again when everything is so generic it doesn’t seem to matter.
 I wonder what the early church was like. I am sure things were very different when the person next to you in the assembly could wind up in the same Roman jail cell with you. I am thinking encouragement was a major priority in the early church. Generic wouldn’t have worked then.

 I don’t know. Maybe if we did church differently You would know me an I would know you a little better. Imagine an assembly when its not about the “program” but people who ar united by the Holy Spirit. Who knows, maybe we could come close to knowing each other as God knows us.

Why the "christian" view of transsexuality is wrong.

I did not intend to do this sort of article for my blog. I strongly dislike politics, whether it be liberal or conservative. Also, out of a desire for privacy, did not wish to reveal myself as a trans woman, (it is definitely not safe) but hey. Just this morning I made a comment that being led by the Holy Spirit is neither safe nor comfortable. Remind me to keep my mouth shut from now on.

I need to state I am neither a bible expert nor an expert in psychology. I have studied psychology and am familiar with the "brain sex" theory as well as the MRI evidence, and of course being trans myself.

I am also a believer in Christ. I attend a very accepting and tolerant Church Of Christ congregation in Ohio.

For most of my life as it has been I have been content to keep to myself. Yet over the past few years it has been next to impossible to avoid transgender debates. In particular it seemed that every time I would log on to YouTube for some fun, I was deluged by vids such as "Is being Transgender a sin?, or "What does the Bible say about transsexuality?". Of course you can image the maleficent delight of those who post the "God saved me from .." videos.

Ok here are my complaints against so-called "christian" beliefs on transsexuality. Please note I am not speaking against all the believers who are tolerant, and who understand God's grace and have shared it with me.

People who condemn transsexuals aren't knowledgeable about  transsexualism

Transsexuality has a psychological basis. There is known case where male baby's penis was accidently destroyed by what should have been a routine circumcism It was decided to raise the boy as a girl. Guess what? It didn't work out. Gender identity is set before birth and cannot be changed. Contrary to what the religious right would have you believe, we are beings who are formed by biological processes that can sometime go wrong. There are no known "gay genes", but genetics in not the only factor in human development.

The Bible says nothing about transsexuality

That's right, nothing, zip, nada. Not one word in the Old and New says anything about being transsexual However, it is so very true that anyone who reads scripture without the intent to learn from God will only find their own prejudices. It is just as bad to read scripture with the intent of condemning others than it is to lawyer the scriptures to justify excusing our own desires.

The Bible says God made us Male and Female but it doesn't explicitly define what it is to be male or female. We have a physical side but there is the life we have in our hearts and souls that can differ from our bodies.You would kind of think that something so important would be explicitly defined. It isn't. What people sometimes believe are usually verses taken completely taken out of any reasonable context to justify a conclusion.

We need to understand one thing. Identity is not physical. We can loose parts of our body through injury of disease and that does not change who we are. If we loose our identity we have lost everything. Yes the critics are right changing the body doesn't change who we are. However that is exactly the point. I can say without a doubt I was born to live as a girl/woman. Not in by body, but in my spirit and soul. Go ahead, try to prove I am wrong.


Why don't you ask me what my life is like?

Here is the part that is inexcusable. There are many people like me who have a story to tell, and who desperately need to tell it. Yet there are very few people who have the opportunity. Even in a church like I attend I often feel invisible. It would really be nice if there were other gay/ trans people there to talk to.

There is something in the Bible we don't often talk about called redemption. It is about the power of the Gospel to take our liabilities and use them to glorify God. You really cannot talk about the grace that God has shown you without getting into details.

The problem there are so many people who deliberately tell lies about us. (I thought there was a commandment against that.) Or at the very  least they choose to remain ignorant.(Just so you know, I do have an agenda. Most of it involves things like eating, paying bills, and trying to deal with the occasional depression I feel) I will make you a deal. You keep your mouth shut and I won't challenge your bullshit. How can you be the expert, when I am the one who lives the life?

No Mercy (unless your sins are things people don't care about)

It is interesting that I have never heard a sermon against the pursuit of wealth over Godliness. Its not that Jesus didn't mention it, He did. The the story of the rich man and the beggar didn't turn out very well for the rich man. Somehow so many "believer" praise a man like Donald Trump, even with his uncaring attitude towards the needy. Yet of course if  you are gay or trans the "christian" community is all over you.

There is a group of people mentioned in the Bible who got an "A+" in rule keeping, but totally flunked the class. Things changed after the Cross. Jesus became the rulebook. This was bad for the rule keepers because no one could live up to His standards. It is good for us because mercy became the law. "Blessed are the merciful", Jesus said "for they will receive mercy. Oh, this does not come with any "offer void where prohibited" or "exclusions may apply" disclaimers.

Of course it is not about what you or I think. Jesus will be my judge and yours. Given the choice, I would rather be found to err on the side of mercy than I would the side of judgment.

Why Can't Christ and Christianity Get Along?

 Last week a friend of mine went into another rant on Facebook. It seems California is trying to shut down so-called “Repairative Therapy”, even for adults. Yes, as far as I am concerned it has been proven bogus and potentially harmful time and again. Yet I was more concerned that x. was in another one of his “We’ve got trouble in River City” moods. Personally, I am more concerned about Ben Carson’s move to make seniors pay more for their housing. I am more concerned with Donald Trump's hatred of Transgender individuals.

 Just what is wrong with Christianity anyway? It has abandoned its mandate to bring God’s love to the world and become more like a political party than anything else. Its bad enough we have sold our souls to Satan for political advantage. We have completely forgotten why we exist. Every day we become more the servants of irrationality and power politics than we are Christ.

 This bothers me for different reasons, one being I am not atheist or agnostic, and I still have something that could be described as faith. No, I do have faith, in Christ and the power of Grace, nothing else. I have no problem with the LGBT community, but I do have a problem with “christians” who ignore the needs of the poor for personal gain. How many times does Jesus have to say you can’t love money and love God at the same time? Oh and how many times should He have said we are to love others the same way He has loved us? (oh yes where are the ministers who are badass enough to preach against greed?)

 My only question is this. In the gospels, the sinners used to follow Jesus around because they needed acceptance and healing. Why is it then that many people today wish “christians” would just go away and leave them alone?

Why Me, Lord?

I really need to stop getting on the internet before church. There is a story on the morning news feed about a Floridia teen that killed herself on Mar 6. She was transitioning from male to female. It wasn't that her parents, schools, or friends didn't accept her. They did. She wasn't bullied or attacked.

The information about why she killed herself is limited, but it seemed she could no longer bear living in the wrong body. These are feelings I fully understand, yet I get to survive.

I am so lucky. I have a pragmatic mind, a somewhat exaggerated sense of humor, and strong survival instincts. I have good friends who love me, and a church community that has accepted me. I am trying to figure out why I get to survive and this beautiful teen doesn't.. It certainly is not because I deserve it. So I ask

Why me, Lord?

Goodbye Dr, Hawking

I had not planned to say anything about the recent death of Dr, Steven Hawking. To say he was a genius was understatement. As far as his disability, one has to be careful what they say these days. Any well-intentioned comment can be interpreted badly by the PC crowd. Hawking's bout with ALS seems heroic to most of us. Purely speculation, but I am thinking that it is just the way life is for others.

Just one other comment. Back when the great scientist and  writer Issac Asimov died there were comments to the effect that "he knows the truth about God now". I cannot tell you  how much this condescending attitude bothers me. Do we Christians really need to build ourselves up at the expense of others? Just so you know, being a Christian isn't something we get to congratulate ourselves for. And is there no compassion for those whose great minds, for whatever reason, has not acknowledged God? I guess I have struggled too much with my faith way too much to ever be smug about it.

Needful Things

Needful Things is a story by Stephen King and was made into a movie starring Ed Harris and Max von Sydow as Leland Gaunt. Mr. Gaunt comes to the small town of Castle Rock to open a very special shop. The things for sale are not available on Amazon and the store does not accept Visa, MasterCard, or Amex. It does not even accept cash.

Some of the choice items available are a mechanical horse racing game which predicts the winners in actual races. An amulet removes arthritic pain in the police chief's wife. Of course we know who Mr. Gaunt really is and why seemingly good people start doing very bad things. Even the town's two religious figures are not immune.

The spooky part is that I am no different than the people in King's story. There are things I desire that would make an offer from Mr. Gaunt almost irresistible. Remember, not all the desires of the townspeople were evil. A baseball card, or the relief of pain are not things one naturally associates with evil.

The battle against evil isn't fought in the battlefield or the political arena. It is fought in the heart. We don't even have to commit a sinful act. Once the heart is compromised, the Enemy has won. The problem is how even "good" things can unknowingly undermine our relationship with God