Joy

It was a bad day and it started going downhill fast. I suppose at some place I should have seen where things were going and just let go of the imagined grievances that were multiplying moment by moment. I believed God had it in for me and I was going to complain until someone somewhere would listen and grant me justice.

  God can take it, but I can't. I was exhausted. Yes it was a foolish thing to do. God is not someone I could haul before a judge and win my complaint. Yes, I had been under a great deal of stress and one could argue to hold it in would not be good. Yet I was a fool and only the intensity of my emotions kept me from realizing it.

I needed peace. I was ready to surrender to being a victim one more time. If only there were something I could do that would bring me joy for just a little while. What could I do? Where could I go?

I received an answer. I remembered. The only time I have ever felt joy was when I received it from God. There was joy when I became a Christian. There was joy when I saw that God could bless others through me. There was joy when God reached into my life in place too isolated for anyone to reach.

The whole incident is probably best forgotten. I know, there will be other days like this. Perhaps there is no reason why I should have written this down for others to see. One extreme emotional state is just as unreliable as another, and just as meaningless.But maybe I owe it to God to confess my sin. Maybe I need a reminder that God is merciful, even when I do not deserve it or recognize it.