One notion I have found curious is that there is no adequate term to describe where my spiritual life is at the moment. Atheist/Agnostic describes someone who does not believe in a Supreme Deity. Then of course there is the opposing term "believer". Yet what sort of term is there for someone who does not deny the existence of God, yet has come to believe that while God is "there", He is definitely not "here".
I remember my early faith. Certainly not a mature one, but intense. Just because one is in an emotional/ spiritual "high", it doesn't mean it is wrong. Of course I do not have to elaborate the downside.
Has God failed me? I really do not know. All I can say is that at the moment church just seems like a chore. The singing has little meaning, the lessons are often too generic and the studies can be attempts at forceably squeezing 45 seconds of material into 30 min of time. Then again, just how many people who are deeply suffering really have a desire to learn about Melchizedek. Sorry but its the pragmatism in me that makes me want things to be somewhat relevant to my situation
I will not deny that most if not all of this is due to my current living situation. Along with crap I have to face daily, mostly by myself, I have struggled to keep my faith alive and must reluctantly admit defeat. The thing is that I have no idea where to go from here.
Forcing myself to go through the motions doesn't work. Having "feelings" for God isn't everything, but doing without it is too much. I am not sure there is a way out of this pit I am in.
I am not trying to make a point nor have I made it through trial at this time. I may not. I don't know. Also it should be rather obvious that I not in a position to accurately evaluate my situation. Depression = Yes, Resources = limited/ exhausted. Viewpoint of God and faith = distorted, Isolation from others = most definitely, ability to praise God in adversity = you've got to be kidding.
I wish the church was different, but I also wish I were different. Maybe I just wanted a few things I need to say
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